"When the wind blows you home, to the shores of hope"

Steve Miller, circa 1970s (with some creative license)

I appreciate all the wonderful words that people are expressing in the comment section. "Brave" is a common theme. I don't feel brave at all, especially the first night after my "infusion." That night, I monitored my breathing, awake and in my dreams. The "what ifs" swirl around, dancing like whirling dervishes - and I just continue to breath, and hold onto the brilliant light of love that surrounds me.  

It's been a tough week. Dr. R was still out of town, results were in from the Petscan, but wouldn't hear the actual interpretation from the good doctor until today (6/3/09)--His nurse"T" read them to me, more a laundry list than clinical/prognosis information. And that's okay, because she was doing HER job, not his. Still, it was a list and not one thing....so give a woman that has a high level of creative drama, and well, you can see it coming, kinda a Renée meets "Terms of Endearment" meets "Brians Song" meets "Love Story." And I didn't want to meet any of 'em. 

So - instead of freaking out, I took the other path, the one of looking for all that is good and great and giving in this world. I found a small beach cabin for rent near the Nisqually Reach, I love that the Nisqually Nation and the farmer that "owned" the delta came to agreement to remove the dikes, returning the land to the Nisqually and letting the salt water return. Anyway -- this cabin was perched on the beach, about 700 square feet, one bedroom that looked eastward toward Tahoma. I spoke to the owner, and agreed that I would come out to look it over. Thought it a good place for Jared and I to spend our summer vacation. On Sunday, after taking a shower... I realized that I barely had the energy to towel off, let alone go rent a house? Taking a deep breath, I knew that I'm where I need to be right now....and that's good to be at Mom's home of zen and love. Kourtnei came down from Bellingham on Sunday, and Mom went to Eastern Washington on business. Kourt and I giggled, watched BAD tv and she gave me delightful massages and head rubs. She returned north on Tuesday and Mom returned, my unwavering front line of support. 

Margret, Jared's mum, lives in a small rural community on the west coast of the English Channel in Bridport, Dorset. (Jared said, "it's funny, why is it the English Channel and not the French Channel?") So Jared has to go to the library to use a computer, all his mates are either in London or Cornwall -- but he's managing well, dealing with the ups and downs of his mum. She is much better than when she didn't recognize him on the phone, they think that may have been due to her not taking medications. So, they are getting her resources in place -- Jared will leave there next Monday or Tuesday, and head into London/Thames Valley to go to a cricket match with his uncle (dad's bro) and good friend. I'm so glad that he gets to do that - they are going somewhere in London where Jared's father was a member (he was a cricket player) -- so it's good that he gets to connect with his dad's family as well.  Jared will then return to the states on June 12th, take care of business, and be in Oly around the 17th.

My friend Dani and I had  a great conversation about what this all means.  We talked about how I will hold a vision of the future for myself, one month, two month, thirty years. She suggested that I offer up my tx to those that don't have the opportunity to heal, may the benefit to me be the benefit to all. It's a good reminder, that there is a reason for me to go through this tx, and to grab every glimmer of spirit, love, faith and trust. And... that this is all temporary.

On an astrological note, we have just completed a powerful retrograde – old homes, old loves, old illnesses...Takes us back to see what’s not finished. What’s not complete? The planets are beginning to move forward – started this weekend…tx is moving forward and cleaning up that wasn’t finished – free to pursue to the next phase. POWERFUL imagery.

Trust it? Of course it’s scary – at a worldly level.. but at a metaphysical level --- I will work with my own mind, finding deep peace in my meditation, reframe from anger, false speech or harming. More that I learn, the more it make sense to me. Enhancing the quality of my life now – I don’t want to waste it - that's the name of the game.  Really work with my mind. 

The more that we practice now, that groove, the more we practice those states of consciousness, we’ll react so much better when in stress. (HA - like this is not a stressful time) Time to be confident in my own mind, and my ability to work with my own mind. 

Okay - for those of you that want "the facts" - here they are in a nutshell from today's meeting with Dr. R:  It is indeed the BC that formally nestled into my left breast five years ago. We have recurrence, with mets in lower right lung, right upper lymph under the clavicle and potential bone mets on two ribs. HOWEVER - all receptors are estrogen/progesterone positive, her2Nu NEGATIVE (this is a very good thing)  --- so 12x "infusions" = tumor cell free! Looks like I will be infusioning through the summer. I will have a bone scan within the next two weeks to determine extent of bone activity, and if so, there is a drug to minimize that. 

Today I watched the second Elizabeth film, with Cate Blanchett. Thought of all the invaders that have tried to take down England...and failed. My cancer is the Spanish Armada, I'm (Elizabeth, aka England) of course, riding a white stallion with a long mane and tail, wearing my provocative looking armor. Jared rides next to me, on a beautiful black horse (wearing chaps) - that's just before he takes off on his ship and stops the Armada from reaching my shore, out damn spots! He is my knight, and was fabulous on the phone with Dr.R, as well as Dame Barbara, steadfast by my side, and Lady Kourtnei texting encouragement. 

I now have a little canister of oxygen, working on my "how I smoked a carton of Kools for the past 30 years story." It really makes a difference, I envision myself at the summit of Mt. Everest.  Next week I will get a port for easier infusion. I'm excited, because I'll get to see Saint Joan, who was my surgeon's nurse on the last trek on these trails. 

Don’t know the how –  but the answer to how is “yes.” I will take care of this – I will not duck, or dodge.  I will access my own deep peace, my fearlessness. With friends and family like you by my side, rooting me on.... that is my deep peace, my fearlessness, surrounded by your love. 

Sending prayers to those that lost their lives this week on the Air France flight, and to their family and friends. 

Namasté

Renée