February 2004 "Week of the Boob"

I'm three days away from Infusion #6 - halfway through the muck. It's all been an exercise in learning to let go, yet hang on -- and believing in the magic of your dreams.

I thought I'd post a segment of my pre-blog writings when I was first diagnosed five years ago. At this point I'm on the chemo pony and riding, not much to report except how grateful I am for the love and support by so many - family, friends, strangers, angels. Jared arrives on Thursday, I look forward to his loving care. Thank you KC, for the Alaska Airlines pass - you are thanked beyond words. And thank you to all that have visited, written, called, laughed and cried with me over the weeks.

I just realized that this might be considered in poor taste due to recent loss in the Jackson family - please read, knowing that it was written in 2004, not recently.

“February 8^th , 2004 - The Week of the Boob”

While the entire nation focused on Janet Jackson’s right….I was riveted on my left. Only in America.

For 38 frames, the nation saw Janet’s rather pre-fabricated right mammary…and went insane. Interesting that the focus was on the breast and not as much on the action of Timberlake – the choreographed “rip” of her bodice, revealing. Not much mention of Nelly’s ubiquitous tug on his testicles within each stanza – Kidd Rock’s lyrics of sexual domination – only the breast. Only in America.

Let me get off track here for a minute…With 36 cameras at the director’s beck-n-call…couldn’t we have seen at least a wide shot of the streaker? After the barrage of half-time forced sexuality, what’s wrong with the ballet of a naked man and his pursuers on a football field? Only in America.

During this same week, far from the fray – I exposed my breast to far fewer folks than the super bowl crowd…for me there was no music, no 36 cameras, my costume the tired-but-true cotton hospital gown that even when tied would be edited out on any channel other than cable. The images gleaned from the mammogram, directly followed by the “live, you are there,” footage of the ultrasound, didn’t reveal a star shaped pasty…rather a small dark spot. An abyss. I sense the replays will be endlessly evaluated by a myriad of coaches, referees and of course, the crowd. As the player, I stand on the sideline, awaiting the outcome.

I suddenly wanted to be anywhere else – mortality pounding in my head. The fear passed, but it is there, as insidious as the lump. The radiologist, with the authoritatively calming voice of a sportscaster, recited the play by play for the next quarter…surgeon, biopsy, gathering hope.

Time to bring in the special team. I meet the surgeon next week; we’re moving the playing field to home advantage. My breast will be revealed to more. The difference between my naked ambition and Jackson’s… is while Janet’s is of livelihood – mine is of life. My rhythm nation - in America.

Ring the bells

“Ring the Bells that still can ring.

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything.

That is how the light gets in.”

leonard cohen

 

I’m sure that everyone has noticed that weekly writing just hasn’t happened. About a week ago, I noticed a trembling, rather over-amped feeling that just wasn’t conducive to pecking away at a word document. Instead, I spent the time trying to expend this energy by reading, ki-gong and limited yoga.

 Ki-gong? This is a good website that provides concise information about this ancient Chinese form of healing: www.breastcancer.com/self-care/qigong/

 Saw the good doctor yesterday, had the results from the bone scan. There has been recurrence of my breast cancer in my bones – primarily in ribs, left scapula, cervix, (bone, not tissue) and near my breastbone. Once again – Dr. R feels that it’s all totally treatable, following the protocol that he’s established, with the addition of another chemotherapy drug that will be administered (infused) once a month until we see results. The side effects may include some flu-like symptoms for 3-4 days following the tx…. We’ll see. We also found out that the trembling-ness that I've felt is from overtaking the nausea meds, so I'm backing off, sniffing my peppermint inhaler instead. 

So far, I’ve tolerated the chemo rather well considering it’s a weekly event. The plan is to continue this weekly regime for 8 sessions, followed by two weeks off, then completed the final 4 sessions. I’m excited about that notion – having the two weeks off will coincide with my brother’s 60^th birthday celebration, that will be held in the Pac NW, possibly at Houndshead. What a great way to usher in our relationship to the land by family celebration.

 I was hoping that today I would be able to make the drive to Lummi in order to celebrate Raymond Ballew’s Indian naming ceremony. Ray, just about to turn thirteen, is an amazing young man that is part of my family through his parent’s Laural and Tim. The connection started the day I met them, and although I won’t attend in person – my heart will be will them. Blessings and congratulations Ray!

 Family and friend connections this week have been wonderful – Jared arrived on Wednesday, and will be here until Monday. Fantastic reunion with love and partnership. Jared’s mum has stabilized, and in place for her is a cadre of professional caretakers and medical staff that will ensure Margret stays on her medications, and stays connected. We hope to visit her sometime this fall. I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago after watching, “Elizabeth.” When I mentioned how I would have enjoyed watching the film with her, she asked me, “Was the film about Elizabeth 1 or our current queen?” I said, “Elizabeth 1, realizing my English history ignorance – was there another one?” My question to her was since Elizabeth never had children, who succeeded her on the throne? Margret then recited the entire lineage of English royalty, starting with Elizabeth and ended with the current Elizabeth. I’m always amazed by the width and breadth of her historical perspective of her country she loves so much. A great lady, from an era that really knew how to “KBO” (Keep Buggering On), as Winston Churchill said during WWII.

 Kourtnei came down for three days – we had our standard meal at Tea Leaf II – spinach bean curd soup, Mongolia chicken, and potstickers. Laughed, watched our tacky tv shows, and just plan hung out. My mom Barbara continues to be unwavering with her love, support and patience with my endless and often strange food cravings. Other visitors included Sarah Gavin, Kourtnei’s sweet friend from high school and beyond– who brought fresh strawberry jam, Ann Dorgan, a wonderful friend from the WIT days, Brad Bressolin, Craig Johnston, who was the producer of the HowCome? Show that I interned with at KING-TV in 1988 – we have remained friends for all those years. Various calls from other family and friends. Another person that has reappeared in my life is my dear friend Victoria. We’ve been friends for over 20 years, starting out as my massage practioner. Victoria found out she had breast cancer shortly after my diagnosis. She too, had experienced recurrence at a far greater level that what I’m going through. We are planning to “infuse” together next week, bringing a level of giggles, chortles and love in the treatment room. Bless you, dear Victoria.

Houndshead

I thank you God for this most amazing day: for the leaning greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes.

e.e. cummings

Another week, another infusion, another opportunity to breathe through the uncomfortablness and into the sublime. 

The second chemo treatment was a breeze in that the steroid was reduced (helps with nausea) and Claritan rather than Benedryl was administered to reduce a reaction.

 On Saturday, I had the honor of attending Sharon and Alan Parker's 40th wedding anniversary celebration at their beautiful home, surrounded by towering firs and cedar. Sharon reminded me of our time together in Auckland and Whatatanie in Aeotearoa (New Zealand) in 2005, working on the Treaty of Indigenous Nations. Being with them also reminded me of Alan's near death recovery, sang back to life by Maori healers and a belief that his work isn't done. Trust me, it isn't. The gathering included meeting new friends and hugging old friends such as Bonnie, Jan and Roger - reminding me of the vast network of love that surrounds me. After a delicious elk burger, I realized that it was enough, and headed home. I drove myself, because I could, and primarily to have as much independence as possible. Alan could relate totally. 

Visits by Kris, Rhonda, Rick, Kit enlivened the weekend, as well as breakfast at the Oly Farmers Market....Dingeys... crabcake eggs benedict. Yum. 

And then - we found her. The place of healing, the place called home. Actually named, "Houndshead" - because the neighbors dogs would 'head' to the yard to do their business. And what a yard - over an acre stretched between house and saltwater. I found the house by googling "Rent in Olympia." At first I thought it was some kind of internet spam ad, based on the price and the photos. Nestled on Henderson Inlet, just north of Olympia and slightly south of the Nisqually Reach -- this 60's style beach house sits on 2 acres, has four bedrooms, and plenty of room for company. Jared and I have wanted to find a place where our family and friends can gather - and well, we've found that place. On the bay, old log pilings are home to a harbor seal population, our new "noisy" neighbors. The people that have rented the house for the past three years are a couple of angels on earth - they have opened the house and their hearts to us - including leaving some furniture until Jared can move our Tahoe household items in September. As a kid growing up on Horsehead Bay -- the need for salt water is palatable... we are home. We will take possession of the house in late July, hosting my brother's birthday celebration. What a way to usher in life and love into our new home!

"When the wind blows you home, to the shores of hope"

Steve Miller, circa 1970s (with some creative license)

I appreciate all the wonderful words that people are expressing in the comment section. "Brave" is a common theme. I don't feel brave at all, especially the first night after my "infusion." That night, I monitored my breathing, awake and in my dreams. The "what ifs" swirl around, dancing like whirling dervishes - and I just continue to breath, and hold onto the brilliant light of love that surrounds me.  

It's been a tough week. Dr. R was still out of town, results were in from the Petscan, but wouldn't hear the actual interpretation from the good doctor until today (6/3/09)--His nurse"T" read them to me, more a laundry list than clinical/prognosis information. And that's okay, because she was doing HER job, not his. Still, it was a list and not one thing....so give a woman that has a high level of creative drama, and well, you can see it coming, kinda a Renée meets "Terms of Endearment" meets "Brians Song" meets "Love Story." And I didn't want to meet any of 'em. 

So - instead of freaking out, I took the other path, the one of looking for all that is good and great and giving in this world. I found a small beach cabin for rent near the Nisqually Reach, I love that the Nisqually Nation and the farmer that "owned" the delta came to agreement to remove the dikes, returning the land to the Nisqually and letting the salt water return. Anyway -- this cabin was perched on the beach, about 700 square feet, one bedroom that looked eastward toward Tahoma. I spoke to the owner, and agreed that I would come out to look it over. Thought it a good place for Jared and I to spend our summer vacation. On Sunday, after taking a shower... I realized that I barely had the energy to towel off, let alone go rent a house? Taking a deep breath, I knew that I'm where I need to be right now....and that's good to be at Mom's home of zen and love. Kourtnei came down from Bellingham on Sunday, and Mom went to Eastern Washington on business. Kourt and I giggled, watched BAD tv and she gave me delightful massages and head rubs. She returned north on Tuesday and Mom returned, my unwavering front line of support. 

Margret, Jared's mum, lives in a small rural community on the west coast of the English Channel in Bridport, Dorset. (Jared said, "it's funny, why is it the English Channel and not the French Channel?") So Jared has to go to the library to use a computer, all his mates are either in London or Cornwall -- but he's managing well, dealing with the ups and downs of his mum. She is much better than when she didn't recognize him on the phone, they think that may have been due to her not taking medications. So, they are getting her resources in place -- Jared will leave there next Monday or Tuesday, and head into London/Thames Valley to go to a cricket match with his uncle (dad's bro) and good friend. I'm so glad that he gets to do that - they are going somewhere in London where Jared's father was a member (he was a cricket player) -- so it's good that he gets to connect with his dad's family as well.  Jared will then return to the states on June 12th, take care of business, and be in Oly around the 17th.

My friend Dani and I had  a great conversation about what this all means.  We talked about how I will hold a vision of the future for myself, one month, two month, thirty years. She suggested that I offer up my tx to those that don't have the opportunity to heal, may the benefit to me be the benefit to all. It's a good reminder, that there is a reason for me to go through this tx, and to grab every glimmer of spirit, love, faith and trust. And... that this is all temporary.

On an astrological note, we have just completed a powerful retrograde – old homes, old loves, old illnesses...Takes us back to see what’s not finished. What’s not complete? The planets are beginning to move forward – started this weekend…tx is moving forward and cleaning up that wasn’t finished – free to pursue to the next phase. POWERFUL imagery.

Trust it? Of course it’s scary – at a worldly level.. but at a metaphysical level --- I will work with my own mind, finding deep peace in my meditation, reframe from anger, false speech or harming. More that I learn, the more it make sense to me. Enhancing the quality of my life now – I don’t want to waste it - that's the name of the game.  Really work with my mind. 

The more that we practice now, that groove, the more we practice those states of consciousness, we’ll react so much better when in stress. (HA - like this is not a stressful time) Time to be confident in my own mind, and my ability to work with my own mind. 

Okay - for those of you that want "the facts" - here they are in a nutshell from today's meeting with Dr. R:  It is indeed the BC that formally nestled into my left breast five years ago. We have recurrence, with mets in lower right lung, right upper lymph under the clavicle and potential bone mets on two ribs. HOWEVER - all receptors are estrogen/progesterone positive, her2Nu NEGATIVE (this is a very good thing)  --- so 12x "infusions" = tumor cell free! Looks like I will be infusioning through the summer. I will have a bone scan within the next two weeks to determine extent of bone activity, and if so, there is a drug to minimize that. 

Today I watched the second Elizabeth film, with Cate Blanchett. Thought of all the invaders that have tried to take down England...and failed. My cancer is the Spanish Armada, I'm (Elizabeth, aka England) of course, riding a white stallion with a long mane and tail, wearing my provocative looking armor. Jared rides next to me, on a beautiful black horse (wearing chaps) - that's just before he takes off on his ship and stops the Armada from reaching my shore, out damn spots! He is my knight, and was fabulous on the phone with Dr.R, as well as Dame Barbara, steadfast by my side, and Lady Kourtnei texting encouragement. 

I now have a little canister of oxygen, working on my "how I smoked a carton of Kools for the past 30 years story." It really makes a difference, I envision myself at the summit of Mt. Everest.  Next week I will get a port for easier infusion. I'm excited, because I'll get to see Saint Joan, who was my surgeon's nurse on the last trek on these trails. 

Don’t know the how –  but the answer to how is “yes.” I will take care of this – I will not duck, or dodge.  I will access my own deep peace, my fearlessness. With friends and family like you by my side, rooting me on.... that is my deep peace, my fearlessness, surrounded by your love. 

Sending prayers to those that lost their lives this week on the Air France flight, and to their family and friends. 

Namasté

Renée

A letter of support from my friend Fran Dunaway

Dear Friends and Family,

I have accepted a request to raise funds to support the Susan G. Komen Puget Sound Race for the Cure on June 7, 2009 and to join the fight against breast cancer. 
____________________________________________________________

My apologies for the lateness in sending this email to you but I just today decided to participate in the annual 5k Race for the Cure. It's on Sunday here in Seattle and I may walk part of the way, but I will be there!

As you all know, I underwent treatment for breast cancer nearly 6 years ago and I personally know several women who have successfully survived breast cancer treatment. One friend did not. Her name was Starla and she passed away two years ago. 

I'd like to share a story with you. I remember when I was undergoing chemotherapy, I got a call from my friend Renee. She was participating in the 3 day Breast Cancer walk and wanted me to know that her t-shirt had my name on it. Less than a year later, she was borrowing my hats and undergoing chemotherapy for the same disease that she had walked for on my behalf.

I've known Renee since 1996, when I first moved to Olympia and began working as a freelance producer for Washington State. We developed an immediate friendship that has endured all these years. Renee is one of the most active, kindest and upbeat people one would ever want to meet, much less be blessed to call a friend.

Last week she went to see her doctor about a persistent cough and got the diagnosis we survivors dread. Her cancer is back. Last Friday, she began her first round of 2 months of weekly chemotherapy. 

This time next year, Renee and I will be running the 5k together. But this year, my t-shirt has her name on it. This one is for Renee!

I hope you'll support me - even if I do have to walk most of the way. It's the race for the cure that is so important. The sooner the better.

Thanks.

Much love,

Fran 

Raising funds.  Raising awareness.  
I AM the CURE.

Click here to visit my personal page.

" I believe that the things we dread most can sometimes save us."

Barbara Kingsolver, "Small Wonder"

Today, I entered the "Infusion Lab" at Western Washington Oncology in Olympia, Washington. (well, it's actually in Lacey, but that's another story). Infusion lab - -sounds rather spa-like, therapeutic and invigorating...  maybe I've lived in California too long. The Infusion Lab is my number one tool in reducing, eliminating metastatic cells in my body - that somehow started gulping on whatever bits and pieces of estrogen, multiplying - invasive. And not very polite, they were not invited. 

The Chemo protocol, as it is called, for me includes Taxol. Part of the tx is Benadryl, so I spent most of the time deliciously dozing. The after-effects are minimal (so far), and in fact the coughing has reduced. 

I'm big into visualization - so for this one I'm thinking "Wizard of Oz." After all, there is no place like home. I'm visualizing the metastasis shrinking, dissolving when Dorothy throws water on the Wicked Witch of the West, "I'm melting, I'm melting, oh, what a world." Because we always have those truths within in us all. 

So - my next "infusion" is next Friday - I will have weekly IV chemo through the end of July, with a break somewhere in there. I will know more next week -- Dr. R has been out on "empathy duty," with a surgery of his own. This all came on suddenly, and I'm pleased with the quick response.  I may not have all the details, but they do, and I'm good with our path. 

For those of you that did not receive an earlier group email of some form -- here are the details of why I'm in Olympia, and ranting on about infusion:

"I've been having a chronic cough since last winter -- with no results from various treatments. On May 14th, I had my regular 6 month appt with my oncologist in Olympia - known as Dr. R. To make a very long story short -- he was quite concerned about a CT that I had in Truckee in February (the doc there had found nothing wrong) - Dr. R called for more tests. And if you didn't know - I am a five year breast cancer survivor.

On Monday May 18th , over 1 liter of fluid was removed from the tissue surrounding my right lung. Cytology of the fluid showed evidence of tumor cells. The VERY good news is that the test also showed positive receptor for estrogen/progesterone  -- my oncologist said, "This is a very good thing, you're likely to respond VERY WELL to an anti-hormone therapy. 

We will begin with chemo, and yes I will most likely lose my hair. Cost savings in these economic times. We'll start with IV, then move to a pill format. The chemo is tolerable, "kinder" so shouldn't have too many side effects (which is kinda funny, since it's making my hair fall out, which is not a big deal, I'll go back to scarves, great for summer!). Dr. expects results within two months, and even before that, a lessening of the fluid build-up, short breath, etc. He also felt that overall, the anti-hormone therapy will also be good at keeping those tumors a bay in the future. I like it when Dr. R says, "future." 

I had a PETscan yesterday - which will show the location of the tumor -- and met with the clinic's naturopathic oncologist and had an acupuncture session. Ah, the services that I had to outsource five years ago, are now available in the clinic! I will remain at my mom's in Olympia for treatment. Jared will commute between Wa and Ca for now.

On a sadder note - Jared's mom has been diagnosed what appears to be on-set dementia. My heart is sorrowful for Margret, and I'm saddened that I couldn't make the trip with him to England this week to support them. What a brilliant mind, fading. Please put Jared in your thoughts and prayers as he makes this very difficult journey to his mum -- he was torn between staying with me, and going to her -- Jared is a wonderful son and husband. No betta. He will return to the states on June 12th, and head north soon after.

My friends Alison and Kresta drove Rogue (my dog) and summer clothes up from Tahoe. Friends, Family, Faith, Strength.

I watched the sun rise over Tahoma (Mt. Rainier), with a crescent moon and the morning star guiding the way. 

Everyone has their trials and tribulations -- I feel fortunate to have so many people keeping me close in their heart, their prayers."